and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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