i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
