Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
birth control should be required to get into college
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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