he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I forget how to act sober
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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