Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
