He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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