My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
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