Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Never let your siblings swipe right.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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