Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
