Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
