Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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