i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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