My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize