im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
