When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
