We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
