I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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