Will you blow on my dice?
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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