i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
