so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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