In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
