and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
