Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
