I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
