happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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