Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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