he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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