Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
