New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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