YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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