Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
