I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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