Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
