whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize