I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
