What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
