No awkward lesbian experiences without me
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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