I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
