I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
