evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize