I'm eating all of the evidence.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
My ATM looks so different sober.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize