I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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