My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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