textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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