we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize