Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
