im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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