I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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