Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My liver just broke up with me...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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