I CAN MOONWALK!
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
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