I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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