Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
i've created a new STD.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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