The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
