I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
