do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
