I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
